When giving introductions everyone starts with their marital status, number of children (if any), age and their employment. Why do we do this? Are these really the things that define who we are? I would like to think I am more than just the things I do and love. However, I am guilty of almost always starting my introductions with this information first. But for me, this is easy. I have forgotten who I am. While growing into a mother, wife, and my career I have lost who I was before these things. I have become so fixated on doing these things so well and dedicated literally all my time and energy in them that I have forgotten to save some for myself.
Letting go of yourself… What could be worse than that? Letting go of myself must have been pretty easy because I didn't even know it was happening. What is difficult is accepting I let this happen and trying to find myself again without admitting any of this to my loved ones. Confessing to my husband that I don't know who I AM anymore feels like I would confessing I've been a fake wife and mother. I would feel like I would be complaining about how horrible my life is, when it is not. So I am embarking on a journey to get back in touch with who I am.
Until then, this is who I am today. I am pregnant with a beautiful two year and eight year old daughter and an amazing husband who is a great father. I am Retail Store Manager which means I work long, crazy hours and do not have weekends or nights off. I live in the country and work in the city giving me a 2 hour commute (one way) to work. I recently decided to go back to school and get my degree. My favorite part of the day is walking in the door from work at night and having my girls face light up and shout "MOMMY!" No matter how bad or good my day has been those two seconds just make everything else disappear. My husband and I have been together for over eight years and have gone through good and bad together. He will always have my heart. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my career and I am amazing great at it. I want to continue to climb the corporate ladder until there is nowhere higher for me to go. But, there is one thing I love more than my career… my family.
My "great" career puts a huge burden on my family. I/We miss out on so many things that my children and husband should not have to miss out on. My husband has to carry extra weight with kids and household duties, which always comes to bit me in the butt during an argument. But this career that creates so much stress in my family life also keeps the bills paid and completes a part of me that nothing else can. I can't quit my job because then we would not be able to afford bills. I can't just get a different job (preferably something closer to home) because I can't find anything that can come remotely close the salary I make now.
But, this is where I get confused. Parents maintain a balanced family life and successful career all the time. Why is it so challenging for me? I have a feeling my inability to find a happy balance between work and family has something to do with the fact that I have lost my relationship with who I am.